So I am sitting here today waiting for my next class to start. Yeah I know waiting on classes is usually a bore, I mean I live just at the end of Rebel Drive pretty much and yet I don’t want to have to walk home again and then walk back to campus. Anyways I cant help but think ‘Why did I take a four o’clock class, I mean my last class was over at two and so I am sitting in Java City just kind of thinking (no jokes!), talking to God (which is something I am trying to do more often), talking to friends online and wondering about where my life is headed. I mean I wrote yesterday about trying to fix the problems that I have been dealing with and yet even though I am trying to just flow with the change and move on and allow God to do what he does so well, I still cant help but think “Where am I going, where does God want me to go?” I know your probably thinking, “Everyone wonders that, its not so uncommon!” But for me I have had no doubt in my mind for the past couple of years as to what road I have been on and where it was taking me, yes that dreaded road that I wrote about yesterday, and now that I am trying to make some changes I feel a little more free but at the same time as if I am just hanging out waiting for God to open a door or two for me. The thing about it is that while I sit here wondering these things I have just downed a large coffee and so the caffeine is kicking in and wow my mind is reeling with all of these thoughts about what I want to do with my life. I know I want to get my Political Science degree and then from there go to Law School, but is that it, am I going to spend half of my life in school, what do I want to do for my minor, what do I want to do after law school, do I want to work in environmental law or international or both? So all of these questions are surrounding my thoughts and then finally I lean back take a breath clear my head and think, “Wow maybe I need to lay off the coffee… I cant even sit still much less quiet my mind.” I know random but I have not had any sugar today and I am hyped up on the coffee and psyched about Sunday’s game and seeing my best friend again tomorrow for the first time in two weeks. So while all these thoughts flow and I begin to dread the up and coming years of school, I finally realize why worry God will take care of it, yesterday was proof enough. I mean God helped me take a much needed step out of my depressing little comfort zone and while its taking some time to get used to I can see a great improvement in the past 24 hours, also God gave me the courage to confront my dad about the problems I have been having and we sat down over lunch talked through them and at the end of our conversation he finally told me that he was glad that I talked to him about it and that he would do his best to help me work through these issues and that through it all we would work on finding me an apartment starting this coming summer. I am thrilled about that, the prospect of having my own apartment is great and it makes me feel better for some reason about the relationship my mother and I can possibly have once I move out permanently (I know odd but when we don’t live under the same roof we quite honestly do so much better). I guess what I am trying to say is that in the past 24 hours though its been tough for me to break these habits and though I know it will take much more than 24 hours to solve these problems and break these habits for good, I feel as if God has been showing me how great it is to be free of the chaotic world I had created. In the past 24 hours I have been praying continuously or I should say just having chats with God throughout the day. Plus I was really getting encouragement and understanding out of our lesson in class last night at church. So even though I know that I am going to have days that are a little more difficult than others I know that God is going to be there working with me for as long as I let him.

Life for me has always seemed to be one up hill battle after another with many good times in between. For most people their lives seem to be good times pretty much all the time with a few battles here and there. I have learned though that as I get older I begin to take on the problems of the people I love and spend so much time with. For me I guess that when I work with other people I have the tendency to become so over worked in their lives that I forget where my role begins and ends. I have always been one of those people you see that is over weight; from the time I was born I have dealt with being over weight. It seems that, as I got older though it began to really eat me up inside because of underlying issues that naturally follow this kind of problem. For me though as I grew older and dealt with my weight problem by going from one diet to the next I developed an unhealthy complex where I convinced myself that I would never be as pretty or as skinny as what the every day girl should be. Stupid I know, but to a 15-year-old girl that becomes the biggest issue in high school for them. Though I have always been told by my family that I am a pretty and smart girl I had become so convinced that society would never see me this way and eventually I had myself convinced that my family was only saying this to make me feel good because ‘surely how could they look at me and not see what I saw?’ Since I had myself completely convinced that this was the case I began to develop a comfort zone that would eventually prevent me from getting to know people or talking to people for days at a time because I was convinced that no one would want to talk to a ‘fat person’. I hate to admit it but because of these issues both mine and other people’s I developed an eating disorder, but it was not the common eating disorder that many girls much like myself face. See my best friend in times of need, stress, disappointment, sadness, and so much more became food. I began to feel like it was the one true thing that could cheer me up and make all of my problems go away. Actually what it did was just add to the problems I was already dealing with. I no longer was dealing with family problems, the inability to relate with my mom, problems at school, not having many friends, and problems that the friends I did have were looking to me for advice from. I was dealing with all of that and at times more plus this eating disorder that began to grow as I got older. What I didn’t realize though is that as time moved on and the more time that passed while having this problem I was beginning to have less and less faith in God to allow him to guide me down the right road. I began to think ‘why me, why I am having to deal with all of this’ or ‘God please just let it all go away’; when in fact all of these problems were problems brought on by the comfort zone that I had begun to live in. It may seem ridiculous for some one to allow their own mind to play tricks on them and keep them hostage in a world that they created, but for me this was the world I was living in, a world where Satan had control over me through planting the little bit of doubt in myself and as I grew so did that seed. I now realize that he found his way in to my life by convincing me that I had no power over what I ate when and what emotions led me to step back into my self destructive comfort zone, when in fact I had control the whole time but had just become so convinced that I didn’t I stopped caring about the negativity and burdens I was carrying around. Like I said before it may seem ridiculous but for me it was reality it was the up hill battle that I have faced for twenty years now. As of last night though I took a step out of my self-destructive comfort zone and though it is going to be a long road to recovery and change I am ready to face Satan with God as my shield and sword. From now on I am going to spend time in the word when I become depressed or anything that would have normally made me want to eat. I know that with God and a little help and encouragement from my friends I can do this I can face my fears and step out of that comfort zone.

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The man of wisdom is never of two minds;the man of benevolence never worries;the man of courage is never afraid.
Confucius

Well life is certainly most interesting these days, what with all the construction going on in the center and with all the uncertainty I seem to be feeling about the activities that will be going on this semester. Anyways its been quite a morning somewhat stressful but for the most part just another day at work. I was watching the coon twins as usuall this morning when Russell just seemed to freak out on me. I mean I had never seem him quite like he was this morning, he started to run around screeming for his mom for no reason. Walker, Russell, and I were sitting down putting a train track together and then all the sudden he started to do the running around and screeming. It was like he had lost his mind the poor child. He had been fine for the first three hours and then for thirty minutes he acted like that, finally I began to make their lunch at ten til noon and looked up and Russell had stopped screaming and went to his room, got in bed, and went to sleep. Actually it kind of freaked me out. He went to bed though without me saying anything to him and without even eating lunch. I was so starteled by his behavior that I checked on him every few minutes for the next fourty-five minutes. I didnt know what to do so I just let him go on to bed and tried to prevent him from screaming by talking to him as if he were a 'big kid' telling him that big kids do not throw temper tantrums and have fits. Russell is four and I dont expect him to understand everything but I do expect him to behave like his parents would have him behave. Both Walker and Russell are great kids but today Russell just seemed to have an off day and hopefully since I am babysitting them for the rest of the week, Russell will have much better days. Even as an adult I have bad days where I know that I act strangely out of the norm or at least out of the norm for me but as an adult I know that God has given me the ability to reason through the off days that I may have every now and then. God has also blessed me with the ability to overcome the urge to have a fit when things seem to go wrong and I am greatly thankful for that. I guess that is the difference between children and adults, the ability to reason and the strength that God blesses us with each and every day to overcome the obstactles and the upsets of everyday life.

Tonight is my first night back in the student center and I am just so thankful that God has enabled me to make it through the summer. He has gotten me through one of the longest summers ever. I have studied and worked all summer and am thankful for the last week of rest that he has blessed me with. So tonight I babysat and well the kids were for the most part good kids, but man they were a hand full. I had them for about four hours, twin five year olds one boy one girl, their older brother who is seven, and a six year old boy. We played game after game, inside and outside, did you know that even after seven at night its still like 100 plus degrees outside, I discovered that tonight. We played hide 'n' go seek, musical chairs, tag, sardines, ships 'n' sailors, simon says, red light green light, volley ball, pirates, plus many other various games where each person had to pick their favorite super hero and run around insanely acting like that hero. I will say this I love kids but wow they ran me till I could no longer stand. I am sore from head to toe, I have only been watching young kids in fact the oldest I watch at least once a week just turned four on the first of this month. Even now as I continue to write I am actually pausing after every sentence so that my brain can catch up because I am just so exhausted. I have to say though God has most definately made babysitting on average a great job for me, he has blessed me with wonderful parents that I work with and wonderful kids that I watch. There has only been one or two kids that I have gone home wishing that I had not watched. Anyways I am going to finish up with this thought, God has blessed me in so many ways and though I am tired and weary from my job tonight I know that things could be worse and for others they are worse, I just thank God every day for that life that I live.