I cant believe how long it has been since the last time I blogged. It seems like forever, I guess thats because it has been forever. I am still alive, I have just been so busy trying to reorganize my life, in a lot of ways. My days seem never ending lately. In fact alot of things in my life seem never ending. Classes for one, they are finally done for the semester, but I thought the end would never come. Nights are also never ending, I lay awake at night almost all the time. I cannt seem to sleep and I dont understand why. I guess I just have so much running through my head all the time that night time seems to be the only quite time I get and my brain is so used to the noise of my constant thoughts that it just cant seem to shut off long enough for me to fall asleep. I have been so stressed that time seems to slow down. Why does it do that? Why do your worst days always seem to last an eternity and the good days seem to flitter away as if an eternity is not enough? With the end of the semester comes a little relaxation but at the same time not enough, Im back at home, which is the reason that there is still some stress. Every day is a challenge but I guess thats what I live for... CHALLENGES! Maybe one day I will see what all of this has to do with God's plan for me.

So this is just a little weird... today I mean. Its going to be a very long day I can already tell. For starters Debrah woke me up early this morning to tell me that some guys were coming to fix my shower (for two weeks or so now I could only take bathes b/c the grout in my shower was just so thinned out that the shower wall had begun to leak). For nearly the whole time that I was kept from using my shower all I could think was "Please someone come fix the shower I cant take any more bathes I have to have a shower." Then just after 7:30 this morning Debrah came and knocked on my door and woke me up to tell me that there were guys coming to fix my shower around 8:30 and all I could think was "ugh... more sleep must have more sleep" at which rate I caught myself thinking this and thought "what are you doing shower/sleep... which do I want/need more?" Definately the shower. So now its a little after 9:30 and three very strange and (if I may say) redneck guys are all crammed into my bathroom. As I sit here listening to them carry on about cars and using their houses as target practice and using every redneck phrase known to man all I can think is " I cant take much more of their HUMOR... its got to stop... please let them finish quickly... I dont want to leave them alone in my room." I know thats horrible but its so true. I mean these are the circumstances in which I fear what they will do or mess with while Im gone. Anyways... I know thats horrible and while theyre joking and redneck anecdotes and target practice talk is deminished and has in fact gone to a scary slience except for the constant scraping noise that is the product of them working on my shower wall... I am trying to be nice but one phrase keeps running through my head "I'm trying to like people, but its just so hard to weed through the stupid ones!" Part of my problem though with them isnt really with them. Its the fact that I have a spanish midterm tonight that was moved up and some of my study time has been taken away. OH GOODNESS theyre refering to "the jaws of life, birds, trucks, camoflauge, and guns" all in the same sentence. This is very scary. Ive had to deal with my fair share of redneck guys in the past because I grew up hanging around the guys at the shop, I didnt think that was too bad, I mean its just strange because compared to these guys the ones at the shop that I grew up with seem somewhat normal. I know that God made everyone in his image and that we should love others as we love ourselve and do unto others as we would want done unto us, so all I have to say is that I now know that God has a sense of humor. I know that was mean, but its sooo true.

Sometimes I find myself wondering where God's leading me. I mean I have changed my major and I look forward to seeing where God guides me with that, but there are so many aspects to my life that I am still so unsure of. I mean I wake up every morning dreading going to class, I get my shower, finish getting ready for class, and then it begins - the rat race for the day. While I'm running this race I cant help but wondering "where am I running to?" Where am I running? I mean I know that God is working in my life, I can see him doing so, and I trust him with my life, I mean after all he created this world and my life. I just wonder if I'm heading in the right direction. I think he's been opening some doors for me and now I have to make a few decissions on which doors I need to pass through, but even though I know all of this I almost have to wonder if Satan isn't trying to disguise himself as a door or two so that I will fail because I am so unsure about the direction that God is pushing me in. I have the issues with my major solved, but there are so many other aspects to my life that I feel as if I need a push in the right direction. I mean I want and need advice almost all of the time on handeling family related issues, issues with (a/or) guy/s (I guess I should say - what girl doesnt... but this case is special in a way), and so much more but those are the two that come to mind right off. I guess what I need is reassurance that I can handel all of this and that the direction that I'm heading in is the right direction. I dont know if any of this makes any sense. As a child and teenager I knew what I wanted out of life: a job that I loved, a family of my own, great friends, a little free time, I wanted to travel, to know that God is in charge of my life, and to be certain of the direction that I was heading in. Out of all that I have great friends and I know that God is in charge of my life, but I'm no longer certain about everything else and its not that I dont want that, its that I dont know if I will find all of that. I just find myself so twisted up inside about all of this and I know I shouldnt be, but I stay confused continuously and at the end of the day I find myself emotionally exhausted and telling myself "everything is going to work itself out...". Is it though, is everything going to work itself out or do I need to be taking care of it (with God guiding me and telling me what to do) to make sure that things go the way they're supposed to. I dont know anymore. All I know is that I find myself wondering about this all the time. Maybe some of the issues I deal with are from being shy and being too scared to take the lead that I need to take. Guys for instance I keep telling myself that God will guide me and I know he is, especially lately, but I wonder if hes telling me that in some instances I need to be a little forward, not too forward but a little because of the times. I dont know... what should I do?

Life is just so crazy. Up until Saturday night shortly after the Ole Miss game I was a political science major with an undeclared minor and a lot of stress, but I am that no longer. Around eleven Saturday night I changed my major. I am now a psychology major with an emphasis in counseling. I am so excited, counseling is something I love to do, only the name has a nicer ring to it than something I love to call 'getting in to other peoples business.' I have been making a lot of changes in my life in the past couple of months. I have been trying to releave the stress that i have felt as if I were under and I have been trying to reorganize my life. It occured to me though recently that even through all of the changes and the stress relief attempts I have been making, I was still stressed. Saturday night William, John, and went to Chili's for dinner and we sat there after a long day of groving, sitting at a two hour delayed game, and then sitting through the pouring rain (only to watch our team get the crap beat out of them) and we just sat there talking about this and that. Eventually William asked both John and I what we planned on doing with our lives. John knew what he wants to do or at least had a general direction that he was happy to be heading in. I however, after hearing William say "I know you are going to Law School, BUT WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO after that?"; it hit me I wasnt sure. What did I really want to do with my life? I wasnt sure and that statement drove me insane for a couple of hours, it really bothered me that I was 'wanting' to go to law school and yet I had no clue what I wanted to do anymore. At one time I was absolutely positive that I wanted to work on either Enviromental law or International law, but now I was not sure. In fact I was to the point that I just wanted to GET THROUGH law school and then eventually I would decide from there what I wanted to do. I mean with a law degree I could do just about anything I wanted to do but I didnt want to settle for eventually making my mind up after I had put all that energy and effort into something that was already stressing me out. Eventually Saturday night after we left Chili's and I took John back to his apartment and William and I headed back to the student center, I was just kind of feeling lost and I talked to William some, but he eventually had to go home, so I went up to my room, got on line, began seriously questioning the path I was headed in. All I could think was "What do I want to do with my life... What does God want me to do with my life?" For some reason it just hit me, I didnt want to go to law school in fact I detested the thought of having to deal with all of the stress that a law student and eventually a lawyer has to deal with and if you know me, you know that I struggle all the time with stressing over everything. It was insane I had spent the last six years convinced that I wanted to go to law school and now I couldnt stand the thought. So I began to consider what I am best at, what I really wanted to do, what I loved to do, and what I could do to better serve God. After a good bit of debating I knew what I wanted to do. I want to be a Christian family counselor. It was simple... I love getting into peoples business when asked (haha), I love listening to people talk, I have always wanted to do something where I can help people, I have never wanted a job where I bring my work home with me all hours of the day and night, and I above allI want the work I do to be for God. The moment I decided what I wanted to do I felt this enormous amount of stress had been lifted. Finally I had made my decision and began to make plans, I am hoping to go to Harding Grad in Memphis, so that I can specialize in Christain family counseling. I am just glad at this point though that I have made up my mind and that I am excited to start classes next semester because of my major. God has really blessed me and I want to carry out his plan for my life, whatever it may be, I want to live for God and know that no matter where I am in life he will guide me and protect me. I know that my coming to this realization wasnt some kind of mistake or some kind of chickening out of law school or something of that nature, it was God showing me that there are other options out there for me in ways that I can serve him.

So I am sitting here today waiting for my next class to start. Yeah I know waiting on classes is usually a bore, I mean I live just at the end of Rebel Drive pretty much and yet I don’t want to have to walk home again and then walk back to campus. Anyways I cant help but think ‘Why did I take a four o’clock class, I mean my last class was over at two and so I am sitting in Java City just kind of thinking (no jokes!), talking to God (which is something I am trying to do more often), talking to friends online and wondering about where my life is headed. I mean I wrote yesterday about trying to fix the problems that I have been dealing with and yet even though I am trying to just flow with the change and move on and allow God to do what he does so well, I still cant help but think “Where am I going, where does God want me to go?” I know your probably thinking, “Everyone wonders that, its not so uncommon!” But for me I have had no doubt in my mind for the past couple of years as to what road I have been on and where it was taking me, yes that dreaded road that I wrote about yesterday, and now that I am trying to make some changes I feel a little more free but at the same time as if I am just hanging out waiting for God to open a door or two for me. The thing about it is that while I sit here wondering these things I have just downed a large coffee and so the caffeine is kicking in and wow my mind is reeling with all of these thoughts about what I want to do with my life. I know I want to get my Political Science degree and then from there go to Law School, but is that it, am I going to spend half of my life in school, what do I want to do for my minor, what do I want to do after law school, do I want to work in environmental law or international or both? So all of these questions are surrounding my thoughts and then finally I lean back take a breath clear my head and think, “Wow maybe I need to lay off the coffee… I cant even sit still much less quiet my mind.” I know random but I have not had any sugar today and I am hyped up on the coffee and psyched about Sunday’s game and seeing my best friend again tomorrow for the first time in two weeks. So while all these thoughts flow and I begin to dread the up and coming years of school, I finally realize why worry God will take care of it, yesterday was proof enough. I mean God helped me take a much needed step out of my depressing little comfort zone and while its taking some time to get used to I can see a great improvement in the past 24 hours, also God gave me the courage to confront my dad about the problems I have been having and we sat down over lunch talked through them and at the end of our conversation he finally told me that he was glad that I talked to him about it and that he would do his best to help me work through these issues and that through it all we would work on finding me an apartment starting this coming summer. I am thrilled about that, the prospect of having my own apartment is great and it makes me feel better for some reason about the relationship my mother and I can possibly have once I move out permanently (I know odd but when we don’t live under the same roof we quite honestly do so much better). I guess what I am trying to say is that in the past 24 hours though its been tough for me to break these habits and though I know it will take much more than 24 hours to solve these problems and break these habits for good, I feel as if God has been showing me how great it is to be free of the chaotic world I had created. In the past 24 hours I have been praying continuously or I should say just having chats with God throughout the day. Plus I was really getting encouragement and understanding out of our lesson in class last night at church. So even though I know that I am going to have days that are a little more difficult than others I know that God is going to be there working with me for as long as I let him.

Life for me has always seemed to be one up hill battle after another with many good times in between. For most people their lives seem to be good times pretty much all the time with a few battles here and there. I have learned though that as I get older I begin to take on the problems of the people I love and spend so much time with. For me I guess that when I work with other people I have the tendency to become so over worked in their lives that I forget where my role begins and ends. I have always been one of those people you see that is over weight; from the time I was born I have dealt with being over weight. It seems that, as I got older though it began to really eat me up inside because of underlying issues that naturally follow this kind of problem. For me though as I grew older and dealt with my weight problem by going from one diet to the next I developed an unhealthy complex where I convinced myself that I would never be as pretty or as skinny as what the every day girl should be. Stupid I know, but to a 15-year-old girl that becomes the biggest issue in high school for them. Though I have always been told by my family that I am a pretty and smart girl I had become so convinced that society would never see me this way and eventually I had myself convinced that my family was only saying this to make me feel good because ‘surely how could they look at me and not see what I saw?’ Since I had myself completely convinced that this was the case I began to develop a comfort zone that would eventually prevent me from getting to know people or talking to people for days at a time because I was convinced that no one would want to talk to a ‘fat person’. I hate to admit it but because of these issues both mine and other people’s I developed an eating disorder, but it was not the common eating disorder that many girls much like myself face. See my best friend in times of need, stress, disappointment, sadness, and so much more became food. I began to feel like it was the one true thing that could cheer me up and make all of my problems go away. Actually what it did was just add to the problems I was already dealing with. I no longer was dealing with family problems, the inability to relate with my mom, problems at school, not having many friends, and problems that the friends I did have were looking to me for advice from. I was dealing with all of that and at times more plus this eating disorder that began to grow as I got older. What I didn’t realize though is that as time moved on and the more time that passed while having this problem I was beginning to have less and less faith in God to allow him to guide me down the right road. I began to think ‘why me, why I am having to deal with all of this’ or ‘God please just let it all go away’; when in fact all of these problems were problems brought on by the comfort zone that I had begun to live in. It may seem ridiculous for some one to allow their own mind to play tricks on them and keep them hostage in a world that they created, but for me this was the world I was living in, a world where Satan had control over me through planting the little bit of doubt in myself and as I grew so did that seed. I now realize that he found his way in to my life by convincing me that I had no power over what I ate when and what emotions led me to step back into my self destructive comfort zone, when in fact I had control the whole time but had just become so convinced that I didn’t I stopped caring about the negativity and burdens I was carrying around. Like I said before it may seem ridiculous but for me it was reality it was the up hill battle that I have faced for twenty years now. As of last night though I took a step out of my self-destructive comfort zone and though it is going to be a long road to recovery and change I am ready to face Satan with God as my shield and sword. From now on I am going to spend time in the word when I become depressed or anything that would have normally made me want to eat. I know that with God and a little help and encouragement from my friends I can do this I can face my fears and step out of that comfort zone.

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